My body has hit the Self Destruct button. No idea why. It's committing suicide without my consent. I never signed a DNR or anything. So what the hell, body?
I have a cold or sinus infection or something. Whatever the case, my body has decided to also decided that, hmm, maybe it should have an allergic reaction to something. Not sure what at all. I have an inkling it may be medicine? But it doesn't make sense. But it does. So, who knows. But it's the only thing that makes me feel slightly better...so, in order to fight the one, I'll endure the other. Bring on the body eating itself out from the inside... My throat itches, my insides itch... Bring it, you m*therf*cker.
And, despite all this anger, there is still the lingering, looming sadness and depression of life.
We sit at the dinner table, eating creamy chicken and broccoli with rice. I cannot hear well, due to my current state, but I can still hear the piercing sound of silverware on plates. Every bit is a screech. I cough, fearing that my current illness will worsen hers and kill her. I cough into napkins and my own shirt, silently praying that no germs escape my area. The thought of killing the one who is already sick, the one who, despite being so weak and frail, takes care of you. In a way, you just want to be the one to die first.
"I really think you should take that medicine," she tells me after I finish eating and go to the bathroom to blow my nose and wash my hands. If only it had poison in it, I think.
The clank of plates drives me insane, puncturing my eardrums. I wince.
I cannot describe the air while we had dinner. It was so quiet and sad. I felt like we were all thinking the same things as we ate our food, not saying anything. You think it's so much better once you move out and start your "own life". But you forget what it's like for those back at home. The light seems dim and murky. The silence bites your souls and eats away at your mind.
"She said it was a routine mammogram, but she is still worried."
Discussing a family friend.
There is silence for a while after he comments on it, too.
I feel the silence... It's this thing, this ominous cloud. I feel like we're all thinking, she could be sick, too.
How many more must get sick before we can call this an epidemic or something? Is this nature's way of taking down our overpopulation? Take down all the women in our town? The ones we grew up with, the ones that helped teach in our schools or put us on the bus. The ones that nurtured us until we because "adults". All being taken away.
Whatever the case, I can't say it's fair or isn't fair. The balance of Earth is off. I want to say, eh, this is life. But, when it deals with your life, the way these strings are intertwined, the way you have grown to love one another, the way you have always thought you'd live a long life with those you love, to have your own children and extend this family, to see them smile when they find out they're grandparents...
We've all been living this lie. This fantasy. No one explained the hardships quite too well. We all think things are to be fine and dandy. Old people die. But what about the ones that aren't so old? Why weren't we prepared for things like this? For all the funerals I've been to, for all the times this bastard thing has taken people from my life, from their lives... Why, now, have I never been so underprepared in my life?
If only there was poison in it...
No comments:
Post a Comment