Are you awake?

I'm watching her die.

I'm watching her die, aren't I.

A pattern.  But it's not meant...


I can't watch this movie play out.

It's just pain and suffering again.  Love, love spent on something fading away.

Maybe it's why I don't want to believe in love anymore.

Because it is too real.  Because I feel it.  Because I'm watching it die.  I'm holding it in my fingers, trying to support it, trying to be there for it, trying to be what I could not when she was suffering...

Be mine, not because it will be February.

Be mine because I wanted to be yours.

Be here with me as you always were.

Please do not fade away.

Please do not leave me.

Do not mistake my inability to cry anymore for indifference.

You'll always be her to me.  You're always you to me.  You always were.


We'll fight again, we'll hug again, we'll cry again.


What is existence, anyway?


It is the absence that makes it feel like this is something.  But it feels like nothing.

I don't know what I'm saying, and I never know what I'm thinking.


What if they are gone, too?
What if he leaves, too?

Where will you all be?



Maybe nothing is the end and the beginning.
Maybe, soon, there will be peace.


I'll love you forever, whatever that means.  Take a part of me away.  I want you to have it.

I don't believe in God.

He's not always present.

A lot of the time, he is.

It's lovely, yet, it can be painful.

He'll tell you the truth, whatever that may be.  Whatever he needs.  And you'll respect it.  It will pain you both.

You'll want to tear your heart out.  He'll make you cry, even if it isn't really his fault, because it is yours.

Forward, you'll say to yourself.  You wanted his presence.  But you knew it wasn't right.  And nothing you did seemed right.

He could be a martyr.  You are the sinner.  Baptism has nothing on this shit.

Nothing is really "wrong", is it?  But you'll tear yourself apart anyway, believing what you were taught, what he feels, is everything that makes you that sinner.  May you burn in Hell.  This is your forever Limbo, and you're scratching and pawing at everything.  Tread on your skin, bring upon the raw flesh to feel some substance of what is this life, but only for a brief moment.  Because the pain doesn't last, and the stinging doesn't last, either.

Go numb.