Dim Sung.

Our lives have been reduced to sleeping on chairs and couches.

The light barely streams through the window, a gray ambience.

Motivation slipping through fingers; hope being a thread that just barely holds us together.

My eyes droop, my heart sinks.

I can barely stand to stay; I can hardly think to leave.

Is this what has become of us?

Is this what we shall stay?

There is hope.  There is love.  We shall hold it together.  We shall prosper when we can.

My heart is breaking, and I fear it forever being broken and slightly wilted.  This was not in my life plans.

A year ago, I started dying.  It feels like longer than that.  Since October, since December, those years ago, that phone call, the hallway, how nothing seemed the same.

It's funny how you recall all of the things that make up the story, yet you don't quite want to be able to do so.  Like 9/11, you remember where you were, what you were doing, your thoughts...  Crying in the hallway, knowing it was a bad call, trying to stay upbeat, denial...  Saying to yourself, it's going to be okay.  Not really sure what everything meant.  Thinking, it's just a little thing; it's just something small.  Do not worry.  It's okay.

The time passes; you keep to yourself.  It's all going to be okay.  Do not worry.  Nothing looks that bad.

And it doesn't.  Or does it?  There are only so many smiles a person can hold.  So many white lies that can be told to hide what one is feeling.  There is only so much denial you can live in before you break apart, break down.

Life never was fair.  It's what makes it life.  It's hard.  It's a bitch.  And you deal with it.

It just sucks that this is how it must go.  You think, well, this is what is supposed to happen.  It's all how it is supposed to be.  And it is.  But you don't want it to be.  You want to smile again, you want to see your future, clear, together, and happy.  You don't want to think "what if".  You don't want to think, will I ever have that?  You don't want to see your friends, happy, with their families, wondering, will I be able to have that, too?  You don't want to wonder what it is, what it will be...  Every moment, every day...  Afraid to move on in fear that life will stop.  Afraid to take a step.  Afraid to even leave the room. To go to sleep.  Afraid that when you wake up, you'll be alone.  When you come home, you will be alone.  Afraid to live.

How do we live when things are dying?

My heart is breaking.  My heart is broken.  I hold a heavy story that may scare others away.  I fear speaking truth because I don't want to believe it.  I fear getting close to others because I'm afraid they'll run away.  Because, sometimes, I want to run away, too.

All this is is rambling.  But it's so much more than that.  It's what you'll never know, never understand, never truly see.  There's so much more than what is in between these lines and behind the pixels.

I don't know what I need.  I don't know what I believe.  But I'll grasp onto hope and love as if it's my life that is being lost.